In “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life,” Emily Nagoski pushes a new perspective on human sexuality that challenges traditional beliefs about sexual responses, arguing that they are highly dependent on the individual agent and influenced by many factors like social, emotional, and biology. Writing at a pivotal time for sexuality research because of the lack of understanding about human sexuality that has purveyed in general throughout history, Nagoski (2015) orients around the idea that “there is no universal ‘normal’ when it comes to sexuality–only what is healthy and fulfilling for you.”
If “ much of what we believe about sex is learned, not innate,” Nagoski’s words for some-especially people with vulvas- can be a guiding light towards pleasure and self discovery. While she spends a large majority of her time orienting around female anatomy and physiology due to the stigma and societal ignorance surrounding people with vulvas and ovaries, the knowledge dropped by Nagoski (2015) is relevant for everyone. With male and female genitals being made from the same parts “just organized in different ways,” this piece functions as an introductory source of information for anyone eager to learn about their body and sexual response cycles. Discussing homologues assisted in emphasizing how our bodies start the same when we are 7 weeks prenatal. From this point, all the same resources are constructed into a range of male or female parts, with intersex agents having a combination of male and female parts.
While Nagoski mainly addressed female genitalia and the uniqueness in individuals sexual responses, this book moved mountains for people by assisting in the development of sexual agency through encouragement of self pleasure discovery alongside discussions of homologues. No matter one’s gender, Nagoski’s metaphor of the garden informs that we are all tending to flowers and shrubs that we personally plant, but society also plants for us. Sex education attempted to foster healthy gardens, but fell short according to Nagoski (2015) as many people think that shame and pain surround sexual experiences. Breaking myths and barriers, Nagoski was someone who started conversations about the diversity of human sexuality when other people were struggling.
More recently, Nagoski came out with a book that detailed the struggles she was having in her relationship and how they revolved around topics addressed in “Come as You Are.” Something this makes me think about is, like therapists who can struggle with depression, sex educators might struggle with the subjects of sexuality in their own lives. How does society feel about sex educators or counselors of sex and sexuality being able to facilitate conversations for others, but struggling with their own topics of human sexuality? Is this something that lowers the legitimacy of their work, or is it something that can be helpful for clients and patients to understand? In other words, how might a client feel if they are seeing someone about a topic, and that very topic is something the practitioner also might be struggling with.